Fueling the Fantasy

One of the most difficult parts of growing up is the idea that the world gets more and more boring. As an artist I see casualties of mediocrity all the time. These people did nothing “wrong” and I personally think that’s the problem. Following a specific path and being goal oriented isn’t bad but it leaves few chances for ingenuity. In order to live our wildest dreams we need to leave room for the impossible.

Once I accepted that I wanted to be an actress my fantasy began to form. It took a few years to be specific, especially when I moved to NYC, but I knew I wanted to embody exciting characters. Without representation when I first started submitting to projects, I went for the things I thought would be obvious sells. In the summer of 2012, I submitted and was called in for two film projects that couldn’t be more different. One was a straight drama about a man, a woman and their complicated relationship; the other a subversive horror comedy about teenage lovers against a bunch of mutant cretins. I was auditioning for both at the same time and knew at some point I’d probably have to choose one or the other since their production dates would conflict. It felt like buying two different lottery tickets. 

When I asked my actor friends for advice they immediately jumped to the straight drama. They argued it’d be good for my reel and ultimately be a safer bet – one friend even going so far as to say that doing the other would “ruin my career”. I felt at that point they might be right, but I couldn’t help but smile every time I went in for a callback for the other project. After a month had passed, I had to choose. With no logical way to back it, I made the “wrong” choice and it couldn’t have been more right.

That summer I starred in my first feature film and took myself off of the assembly line of safe artists. More than the screen time, what I truly valued was the experience of being a master of my own fate and scaring myself with this kind of newness. The set was beautiful chaos that required that you be constantly adapting and contributing. It was just the experience to lead me to self reliance: accountability for my art. Some said I had burned a few bridges back home but ultimately I didn’t care because I’d build my own destiny. I’d use these fumes to fuel my fantasy, this dream that only those who dared could see – no matter the cost. 

In the years since that infamous summer, I’ve done what I can to continue to listen “wrong” choices. They might feel delusional to everyone else but they sure shake things up. A few years ago I had a crossroads between a few different film projects and imploding on it all to make something new. The offer seemed simple: I’d star in a project, get exposure, and it’d lead to more acting work. The only trouble would be soldiering through an existential funk and risk not being able to put my heart into it. People do it all the time at 9 to 5 cubicle jobs—perhaps this was my “putting in time.” Risking sense, I said no to so very much. Against the current, I chose to say yes to focusing everything I had to write and direct a film of my own. 

Pages and pages of poetry were worked into a script. Years of unresolved feelings manifested into catharsis. Dreaming and scheming turned into a reality and somehow a film was made. This second “wrong” turn revealed a new world for me. It showed me ways I could implement my voice on and off the screen. Being behind the camera made me aware of how I could be in front of it. I saw that I had leveled up in my aspirations as a storyteller. 

Now, as I am taken to task in my work, I find that these “wrongs” were my favorite parts. In the tension of those experiences, I grew. Over tears, I opened my mind to what hadn’t been possible before. Through pressure and heat, I found myself shining. 

Every time we walk on our paths there are signs. The signs are sometimes made by those who’ve been on the path before you and can lead you for most of the way. They make sense and even offer guaranteed results. Other times, the signs are feelings and tests, as it were. These moments give us a chance to add to our own trail. They can be hard to justify, but they make us who we are. The world is only as boring as you make it. Contradict yourself for once and see where it leads. You might end up in a fantastical place.

Photos by Justin Patterson 2018

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